[rambo47]

I'm so mad at Verizon now I just need to vent. The rep(s) I've had to deal with on this problem are all nice folks and as helpful as they can be. The problem is that THEIR COMPANY SUCKS MOOSE BALLS!!! These reps are probably the kind of folks that buy rounds for everyone at their table at the pub and are most likely the kind of people you'd like to hang around with. I don't blame them one bit for my mood right now.

To be clear - and it's worth repeating - it's not the reps at Verizon I'm pissed at, it's Verizon's FiOS division that's the problem. And to be perfectly honest, I know they're not alone in their general suckage. I left Cablevision because THEY sucked. It's a freakin' epidemic of "suck". Complicit in my foul demeanor is another bunch of suck-heads: UPS. Like H1N1, the suck is running rampant, completely unchecked, and not even FEMA would get involved in this one. Although I suspect FEMA would only magnify the suck factor if they were somehow to get involved. So I'm wallowing in a fetid cesspool of suck, and I'm not happy. Shocking, huh?

3 nights ago, at 2 AM, Verizon FiOS pushed out an update to all their cable boxes in the area. They gave us a new and improved on-screen cable guide that added a third info screen for each channel. Whoop-tee-freakin'-do. Yeah, two useless info screens clearly weren't enough. We desperately needed a third useless info screen. I suspect this is closely tied in to the previously mentioned rampant overall suckage factor. Anyhow, this critical update bricked my cable box. Like interrupting a BlackBerry OS update, if it doesn't go through completely or the connection to the computer is lost during the process, bad things ensue. And like a rabid badger with diarrhea, these "bad things" ensued all over me.

Now I know these things happen, and although I don't like it when they do, I was willing to accept that it was just bad luck for me. Something like 1 in 10,000 updates go bad and boxes need to be replaced. So I call Verizon's Support number (888-553-1555) and get.................................The Worst Freakin' Automated Telephone Response System in the short history of the universe! After 5 minutes I was screaming obscenities into the phone and mashing the "0" button to get a live human being on the line. When the system finally (grudgingly) let me speak with a real person (probably out of pity for my rapidly deteriorating mental state) she was as lovely and kind as I could have wished for. I'd probably try to date her if I were Tiger Woods and didn't care about my wife going all "Franky Munez" on me.

I explained my plight and the rep was suitably empathetic. She promised to have a new replacement box sent out first thing in the morning. Cool! They had all my info, like address and equipment type in my profile, so it should have been no problem. Uh huh.

I was a little bummed that I couldn't just go somewhere local and pick up a new box myself like I could with Cablevision, but that minor convenience is not gonna get me back with those Cablevision bastards. Not on a bet! And a single day's wait was really quite reasonable. My mood lifted and any (at this point) minor agitation I was feeling melted away.

Next day (Friday), no cable box. Ah well. I'm willing to give them another day as UPS does Saturday delivery. "It will be here in the morning," I told myself. Yes, I was being naive. But the girl I spoke to the other day was SO nice and SO reassuring that I couldn't get worked up about it. My wife was another story though. She called the tech support line to basically ask, "WFT?", and after her own cursing fit at the automated telephone system, she got another nice rep. And a UPS tracking number. Ah, progress! Lets just see where our wayward replacement box is. Clickety-click click, track, and..........WTF?! (Here comes UPS's complicity). They couldn't deliver the package because of "emergency road conditions beyond UPS's control". Apparently there was roadwork blocking the street at one end, and I guess that's where the UPS truck tried to come from. It must not have occurred to them to COME UP THE OTHER END OF THE STREET! No problems there. I was in and out of the neighborhood all day, no "emergency conditions" at that end!

OK, still not a big deal. Maybe a new driver, maybe a very dim-witted driver. Whatever. Surely they'll try again tomorrow, right. Next day comes and goes, and no UPS package from Verizon. Back to tracking. Now UPS is claiming they "couldn't find the address." Are you freakin' kidding me?! Those idiots deliver us packages all the time, and I tip the guy like I'm a drunken sailor every holiday!! And to add insult to injury, that afternoon a UPS truck goes flying up the street! Looks like we have a new driver in the area as our old driver (whose kids I probably put through college with tips) is not the guy buzzing past our house. I suspect it's one of the Geico Cavemen driving this truck.

Alright, alright, I guess if you want something done right (or at all) you have to do it yourself. So I call Verizon (and their automated telephone system) and have them put a hold on the package at UPS headquarters. I'll just go pick it up myself as UPS sucks too much and has seemingly overnight lost the ability to deliver my package. I'm not happy, but at least I'm doing SOMETHING about getting that damned cable box. So this morning I make the 20 minute journey to UPS and I actually get the package. My spirits soar! I'm mentally high-fiving myself for taking decisive action and sidestepping yet another steaming pile of suck. Get home, open the UPS box from Verizon, and discover...................... they sent the wrong box. I had an HD box with HDMI connections. This one is a basic box with no HD/no HDMI connections. Oh. My. God.

Back on the phone. Back to war with the Automated Telephone System From Hell, more mashing of the "0" button to get another sentient being to speak to me. And this time, the live rep asks me for the EXACT SAME INFO THE AUTOMATED SYSTEM NEEDED BEFORE LETTING ME HIT "0"!!!!!! Gaaaarrraaaaa!!! So I ask him why they couldn't find my freakin' house, and he says,

"That's a UPS problem. We gave them your billing address."

And I know there's never a problem with bills arriving in a timely fashion. Clearly somebody at Verizon knows where I live. Ironically, UPS said they just used the exact address they got from Verizon. So both suckheads pointed the finger at each other over the complete inability to get me my replacement equipment.

Then I asked why the WRONG FREAKIN BOX was sent, and this guy says, "That's odd. There's no information in your profile about what was installed. Huh."

I say, "You manage to bill me for all the various equipment I have from Verizon, so how can you not know what box I use?"

"Oh, that's billing. They're in a different state."

Verizon can coordinate my internet, TV service, phone service, and bill the living crap out of me for it, but they can't coordinate with themselves as to what I have??!! Verizon makes the Keystone Cops look like the Marine Corps Precision Drill Team by comparison. They are nothing more than a gigantic clusterfkuc with a clever PR department. And they are not my friends.

So here I sit, awaiting the correct cable box to arrive tomorrow. What are the chances?

Bastards.

[dankarlinski]

Wirelessly posted (White and Nerdy)

This is a funny story. It sucks that you had to go thru it all tho.

[BlackBerryRumor]

I'm finding that the larger the company, the more you often you encounter this type of crap... sorry man!!!

[kathrynhr]

Originally Posted by rambo47

Like H1N1, the suck is running rampant, completely unchecked, and not even FEMA would get involved in this one. Although I suspect FEMA would only magnify the suck factor if they were somehow to get involved. So I'm wallowing in a fetid cesspool of suck, and I'm not happy. Shocking, huh?

First LOL occured here.

Originally Posted by rambo47

And like a rabid badger with diarrhea, these "bad things" ensued all over me.

Second.

Originally Posted by rambo47

After 5 minutes I was screaming obscenities into the phone and mashing the "0" button to get a live human being on the line. When the system finally (grudgingly) let me speak with a real person (probably out of pity for my rapidly deteriorating mental state) she was as lovely and kind as I could have wished for. I'd probably try to date her if I were Tiger Woods and didn't care about my wife going all "Franky Munez" on me.

<insert girly sigh here>

Originally Posted by rambo47

Lets just see where our wayward replacement box is. Clickety-click click, track, and..........WTF?! (Here comes UPS's complicity). They couldn't deliver the package because of "emergency road conditions beyond UPS's control". Apparently there was roadwork blocking the street at one end, and I guess that's where the UPS truck tried to come from. It must not have occurred to them to COME UP THE OTHER END OF THE STREET!

Third LOL.

Originally Posted by rambo47

Get home, open the UPS box from Verizon, and discover...................... they sent the wrong box. I had an HD box with HDMI connections. This one is a basic box with no HD/no HDMI connections. Oh. My. God.

Total sympathy.

Originally Posted by rambo47

Then I asked why the WRONG FREAKIN BOX was sent, and this guy says, "That's odd. There's no information in your profile about what was installed. Huh."

I say, "You manage to bill me for all the various equipment I have from Verizon, so how can you not know what box I use?"

"Oh, that's billing. They're in a different state."

Verizon can coordinate my internet, TV service, phone service, and bill the living crap out of me for it, but they can't coordinate with themselves as to what I have??!! Verizon makes the Keystone Cops look like the Marine Corps Precision Drill Team by comparison. They are nothing more than a gigantic clusterfkuc with a clever PR department. And they are not my friends.

So here I sit, awaiting the correct cable box to arrive tomorrow. What are the chances?

Bastards.

Can I buy you a drink or something? You're the best! I can't remember the last time I laughed like that. And I managed to feel your pain at the same time, too. You write very well.

I was totally going to give you grief about your excessive use of emoticons, but if anyone has earned it, you have.

[aiharkness]

Wirelessly posted (8820)

Oh man.

Comcast here. Could be better. Certainly could be worse. But their office is just down the street.

[jsconyers]

This gets my vote for rant of the year!

[Noodle22]

I blame the box on not being delivered on UPS. They have many issues. I have had many issues with them as well. Once it's in UPS hands, they often screw it up.

But sending the wrong box, boo on Verizon. That's not cool, it does not allow first call resolution. The company spends an average amount on each call they take, they're supposed to stop call backs to save money, and in this case they are not.

I feel for you, keep us updated!

[Raptor464]

Although we have either Comcast or At&t out here...not much better service from them...Talking to them is worse than waiting in line at the BMV

[NJBlackBerry]

DirecTV (a different kind of suckishness) for TV and Cablevision as an ISP. As an ISP their suckiness is minimal.

Everyone hates their cable company
Everyone hates their wireless provider

[Johnny909]

ATT Uverse here, and it is somewhat suckie too. Although, not on Version's level of suckiness. On a scale of good to bad with Version being bad and nothing being good, I would say that ATT Uverse is somewhere in between.
"Like snowflakes, my Christmas memories gather and dance - each beautiful, unique and too soon gone." ~ Deborah Whipp (1964-), web designer.

[Noodle22]

Originally Posted by NJBlackBerry

Everyone hates their cable company
Everyone hates their wireless provider

It seems to be that way, there is no way for everyone to be happy.

On a sidenote, I love my wireless provider, and Shaw is great for tv and internet

[kathrynhr]

Originally Posted by Noodle22

It seems to be that way, there is no way for everyone to be happy.

I would just like my providers to be honest. Don't throttle my bandwidth, don't hide my fees, and tell me straight up what coverage and customer service will be like. If there needs to be a cap, tell me. If you're changing the TOS, tell me. Everything straight, with no BS. That's all I need to make the best decision for my household.

[rambo47]

I appreciate everyone's sympathy. And I apologies for my excessive use of emoticons, but it was just that kind of day. Kathrynhr, if I'm ever in your area you can buy my a coffee, but I don't drink anymore. Although after this saga is over I just might start again. (only kidding!)

Update:
So I held out virtually NO hope of getting my replacement-replacement box today, considering the recent track record of both UPS and Verizon. But low and behold, I came back from Starbucks and there was a box waiting for me on the porch! Looked like maybe there was a happy ending in sight for me (not THAT kind of "happy ending"). As I begin to open the box I'm thinking that I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I just hope it's not a train!

I plug all the connections in, being careful to follow the setup instructions to the letter. I've learned how critical this can be, especially after going nearly insane doing an OS update on my old BlackBerry 8300 and forgetting the step about deleting the vendor.xml file. So I finally plug the cable box in, wait the required 10 seconds, and push the power button. And NOTHING happens. Waaaaaaaaaaaaa! Nooooooooooooooo! This CAN'T be happening!!!!

I re-install the box, going back to step one and removing all the wires. I plug the power cord into another plug, make all the connections, wait the required 10 seconds, and push the power button. Nothing.

Back to Verizon phone support. And my new BFF, the Automated Telephone System. A suitable period of hand-wringing, gnashing of teeth, and mashing the "0" button brings me to a live human being. And he's another wonderful, calm, and understanding fellow. Where do they find these people? They're the gems of the organization. And although I'm rapidly losing my sense of humor about this whole mess, this rep is a calming influence. He's actually shocked at how bad his company has screwed the pooch on this so far.

"Whoa (Like Keanu Reeves in Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure). Let me get this straight. We toasted your original box, that had been working perfectly since installation. Then we sent you the wrong replacement box. Then we sent another replacement box, the right model, but it's DOA." Is that what's happened so far?

I added the UPS mini-saga to the tale of woe and I'm sure he was making a mental note to never stand near me should we actually meet in person one day. I don't blame him for that.

So on to the DOA cable box.

"Sir, can you read me the serial number?"

I read it do him and confirm it when he asks.

"Hmmmm." <long pause> "That's odd. I have no record of that cable box anywhere in our system. And that's a problem. I show no record of any box arriving at your house so I can't generate a return ticket for it. And I can't send a new box until I issue a return ticket."

I'm feeling the need to assume the fetal position and gently rock myself to sleep. Thumb-sucking would not be out of the question at this point.

I asked if there was a service truck anywhere in the area that could perhaps stop by and help. Unfortunately there were none available. All were out and very busy. Gee, there's a shocker!! When I asked if there was any other way to get this sorted the rep escalated it to "Tier 3 Support", something I'm assuming is akin to "Double Secret Probation" from Animal House. Or the "Group W Bench" from Arlo Guthrie's Alice's Restaurant. (Apologies for the obscure references - it's a generational thing). But Tier 3 comes through and authorizes a house call tomorrow. Promises are made about nobody leaving until I'm all set up, yadda yadda yadda. Whatever. I'm not in a trusting mood where Verizon is concerned. Sometime between 8 AM and noon, preceded by a text message, a Verizon FiOs truck is due in my driveway. All I know is that if this tech doesn't arrive with the right equipment in tow, I'm going mental, and this dude will have to deal with my Shih-Tzu. Ginger loses bladder control at the drop of a hat, so my dropping to the floor and throwing a fit is bound to get the waterworks started. Once she starts, LOOK OUT!

Here she is, all terrible 21 lbs. of playful fluffiness: Ginger

I suppose there will be another update tomorrow. Maybe. Unless I'm committed to a psychiatric institution for a nice long rest. If this is the outcome, please send all sympathy cards to the dog. She speaks to me.

[TBOLTRAM]

Originally Posted by rambo47

I suppose there will be another update tomorrow. Maybe. Unless I'm committed to a psychiatric institution for a nice long rest. If this is the outcome, please send all sympathy cards to the dog. She speaks to me.

Let me know if you see Lunkhead there.

The reality of all this is that we do not have the choise of the best anymore but we end up picking what we hope is the least worst. We are living in the new "Age of Shoddy." Shoddy products, shoddy service, shoddy help, shoddy government, you name it and it is shoddy.

[rambo47]

Originally Posted by TBOLTRAM

Let me know if you see Lunkhead there.

The reality of all this is that we do not have the choise of the best anymore but we end up picking what we hope is the least worst. We are living in the new "Age of Shoddy." Shoddy products, shoddy service, shoddy help, shoddy government, you name it and it is shoddy.

Spot-on! I left Cablevision because of this shoddiness, and briefly considered going back to them at the peak of my frustration. Honestly, what stopped me was this knowledge that I'd only be trading one steaming pile of poo for another, so there really was no point. And Verizon certainly wouldn't care. I'd like to think they'd call a board meeting and worry that I was leaving. "Oh, NOOOoooooo! What ever will we do! We're doomed!!" The reality is that no one would even notice my leaving. Right now I'd be thrilled with simple mediocrity, if I could even find it.

The update is positive though!

Verizon dispatched a harried and sleep-deprived tech to my house this morning. They even texted me that he was on his way. Made me feel all warm and tingly inside, because for just a second I thought Verizon really cared and that I was special. Hey, even if it's just a second or two of warm-and-fuzzies, I'll take it. It's more than I've gotten from them lately, that's for sure! Anyhow, he plugged in a new cable box, powered it up, and I was fully provisioned inside of 5 minutes. World record time according to this technician.

It's been a full week since out family room TV worked. I was getting used to reading books and enjoying the silence, but it's good to have 1500 channels of infomercials, random violence, depressing news, and pitiful sitcoms back.

[jsconyers]

Don't you love happy endings... Wait.. don't answer that

Now don't take this wrong, but I can't wait to read your next rant. They're very entertaining.

[TBOLTRAM]

I too am looking forward to another rant where you show your masterful command of the English language. Are you an English major?

[rambo47]

Just when I thought it was safe to watch TV again, a new wrinkle has appeared. When the tech came today and installed a new cable box he commented that it was the fastest activation he'd ever seen. But all was well as the system was reporting full activation. And I was watching HBO, so everything was just peachy, right?

Of course not! And why is everything not simply a big sunny ball of joy, you ask? Simple. Because I actually started to believe. I allowed myself to feel that fatal emotion: relief. And naturally that's the perfect time for Verizon to deliver one more BOHICA. Bend Over Here It Comes Again. Yeah, they got me squealin' from the feelin'. Oinkin' from the boinkin'.

"Faites le bruit de porc."

That's French for "make the pig sound". Pretty much what I've been doing this afternoon. After the tech left I tried the first 30 freakin' movie channels to which I subscribe (I get pretty much everything) and was greeted with the dandy little missive that I am in fact NOT subscribed to these channels. Pretty silly for me to be paying for them then, huh? I should have tested more channels when the tech was here, but I had been waiting for him to arrive and delaying my day, it looked like it was working because HBO was on, and I had to run out and get a hundred little things done. So I was remiss in my testing. I assumed it was all hunky-dory, and in doing so I made the mother of all errors. Because when you "assume", you make an ass of u and me.

Anywho, the box the tech installed was apparently just taken from another account. The proper procedure is for the technician to bring any removed boxes straight back to the repair center so they can be deactivated from the previous account. Only then can they be sent back out into the world to provide the TV-viewing population the joys of reruns on "Roseanne" and "Blues Clues". After calling Verizon's tech support line for my daily chat and more uncomfortable silences from the (again) wonderful person at the support center, it became apparent that my cable box was still active on the last person's account and I was only getting the channels to which he subscribed. The solution was - <cue Jaws music> - another cable box!

And again, there was a problem with this. They couldn't put a return order in for this box, because it's not on my account. It's on somebody else's account, and still active. And if they don't put a return order out for this box they can't very well authorize another box for me. Whoa, Deja Vu! But in a sad and pathetic kind of way.

Since 3:00 PM EST Verizon has been trying one last Hail Mary play. They're assembling a crack team of their best techs and working behind the scenes to deactivate my cable box from the previous owner's account. All this voodoo they do is being done remotely from the safety of their super-secret command bunker. "Shouldn't be more than an hour," was the last thing I was told. "We'll call you as soon as it's done." 5 1/2 hours later and no call, no Encore, no Cinemax, no Starz, no Showtime. But hey, I got "Roseanne"!!

I'm heading out tot he gym now. Then some chamomile tea, maybe a cigar, and then early to bed. I'll call my extended family at Verizon tech support tomorrow morning after the kids go to school. For tonight, it's just not going to be an issue. Nam Yo Ho Renge Kyo.

[okader]

i cant wait till tomorrow to hear whats gonna happen.

[Noodle22]

Chamomile tea and a cigar? I can't tell if your a man or a woman!

Okay, that was a bad joke to try and make you cheer up

Just get regular cable, no boxes to deal with They come in, hook it up, then run through the channels to make sure you got them all. You could live with just 57 channels right? Be sure to keep us updated still, it's nice to see a well worded rant.

On a side note that doesn't really relate to much, BOHICA was the name of my online alliance in a server game that just ended after 300 days. I'm a big nerd.